Many of you may have seen this wallpaper, and even more of you may have watched his final show this past week.

Conan, I have tried in earnest to be this better person that you outlined: someone who works hard for an honest living, is kind even to people who are obnoxious, and is not cynical.  However, it’s been 3 work days and all in all I have totally, utterly and completely failed.

Here is my version of his advice:

I pledge to keep trying to be more like you, Conan, but until then, this is my life.

In my cubicled wonderland, great controversy came about when the company installed a wall to close in the area that I share with 4 other people.  To some, it was an outrage.  To me, it allows so much more liberty in making my mind grapes! I think the “Great Wall” is truly great!

No longer is there a walking path behind me so that others may see my computer screen, nay!  I am free to grape as I please, so long as no one actually walks up to my desk. Beautiful.

I’m a big fan of TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress, to the point of feeling the need to lay down laws for it.

Nothing frustrates me more than when some princess brings in like 30 people with her to try on dresses and SHE ALREADY BOUGHT ONE. She’s just playing and wasting both the salesperson’s and more importantly, MY time. It really frustrates me if she actually DOES find the perfect dress, but won’t buy it and decides to tell sweet, precious Randy that, “It’s just not me!”

Hence, the Kleinfeld Police Force is necessary to regulate up in that.

I was watching an episode of Planet Earth that I hadn’t yet seen and OH MY EFFING GEE THERE ARE THESE HUGEASS SALAMANDERS IN JAPAN. Nightmares in the making.

What do the bears in other countries do?

Whether you’re aware of it or not, there is a float for Mr. Peanut in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, though there is no balloon.  This mind grape originally came about when someone was “raining on my parade” in the office.

Then I got carried away and things escalated quickly. From the rain came the lightning, which would ignite the gas inside Mr. Peanut and well, make the parade turn terrible, especially for the balloon handlers and the Dance America dancers in the front. I swear I’m not crazy, I just wanted the grape to have a greater effect.

Another remnant from the holidays. He does not sacrifice class for Christmas, wearing his Santa hat atop his top hat.

This is a leftover from the holidays, performed upon special request by Vance.  In the Christmas song, “The Little Drummer Boy,” there is a rather silly lyric:

Mary nodded, pah rum pah pum pum

The ox and lamb kept time pah rum pah pum pum

Now I know they mean kept musical time and not clock time, but the mental image remains.  While I couldn’t make it like the ox was watching his wrist watch, I was able to make the clock on the wall.

Sloths are just awesome: always smiling, always moving devastatingly slow.  In reality, they would probably just frustrate me as I hate getting stuck behind a slow walker, but I love them regardless. Plus, the babies just hang out on mama’s tummy, always smiling too.

I recently had to stop wearing my most used pairs of heels to work because of the fear illustrated in this grape. I have worn them down to the little stubs that hold the heel on, so basically a nail hangs out of the bottom of my shoes and strikes the sidewalk so violently and noisily that it often draws attention my way.

I fear that the nail is made of flint, just ready to ignite the sidewalk and thence my pants leg. I definitely don’t want to start my work day with a flaming pair of pants.

Thank you to genius musical artist Baby Bash for the title of this Mind Grape.